So I’ve decided I have to get more active on this blog. Haha. I guess I sort of just hold myself back from posting here for one reason or another. But, to be honest I’m not sure why. But I intend to figure out some sort of schedule and just post some things here. It’s here after all. The idea of putting committing words to a blog is somehow exciting and daunting to me:
Do I have to post something worth reading?
Are people going to critique my dyslexic spelling? (for sure, non dyslexics love to tell me how wonderful at spelling they are)
Or are people are going to get at me for my sentence structure?
Does what I think even matter? (I suppose not)
do I have to limit my postings to music? (not anymore)
Thats a short list of my many anxieties around written words as a form of expression, and yet I am still compelled to write about my many interests. After I was diagnosed with testicular cancer in December 2015 (expect a different post on this) I decided to look closely at my life and what I was doing with my time and what choices I was making and wether my actions/inactions were coming from a place of fear or a place of desire. I have made lots of changes in my life since December that have been extremely positive. And now I turn to this blog, it has always been a place where I harbored anxiety about its inactivity. And after thinking about it I realized what I have always known to be true about posting here. I don’t do it because of fear. And I am not interested in fear dictating my actions anymore.
So talking down my anxieties, why should I care if something I say comes off stupid. We are all hairless apes just pretending to be sofisticates after all. So admitting that I’m dull as a rock is the first step to me writing some stuff on this here blog.
Why write something here? What’s the point?
Whats the point of anything, thats a good enough reason I suppose. I often I say nothing because I am afraid if I say something I am stuck with it forever. I want a place to share my thoughts on different subjects. But I don’t want to act dogmatically, I just want to think out loud. Pose questions. come up with theories. That sort of thing. I spend a lot of time thinking about things we (culturally) see as normal because they have been around for a long time, but are when looked at from my perspective, very odd. Like, in our education system for instance. The idea of grading people on understanding a subject. This is basically the norm for most systems. It is supposed to ensure some understanding before a student can move on. But grades don’t drive the majority of people to believe in themselves. They drive most people to give up if they don’t understand quickly. And early on if u o poorly in a class and u move forward anyway. Then students are stuck building on poor fundamentals. Really anything can be learned as long as there is time takin with the fundamentals. But a lot of time people become ashamed of working on fundamentals. Because fundemental skills can seem to easy on the surface. For an adult learner, it can be like “I’m smart as fuckkkkk, I’m 30 and pay rent and have a sweet car… algebra is for teens, so this should be easy” and when it’s not easy we give up and say I just don’t get it I’m to stupid etc. Where does this impulse from? Grades. No one needs to fail. They need to figure out the basics that they don’t yet grasp, then work on them. Most things can be simplified. We are just hairless apes pretending to cool after all. See, I’m dyslexic. And that being so, I grew up expecting to be terrible at certaint things. Tests, Reading, Bookreports, Math. And over the years of gradeschool and highschool I unlinked my self worth from the grades I received. As a kid I just thought: well I’m dyslexic so it’s not my fault I don’t get it. And I didn’t beat myself up too much. I guess I still hold some inward negativity from some of that. This experience made me comfortable asking for help and with admitting I don’t know something. For instance in an academic setting instead of pretending I understand a word the teacher is saying, I will without hesitation ask for definitions and clarifications. Then I hear a sigh of relief from those around me who are confused as well, but don’t want to speak up for fear of looking dumb. See I’m cool with looking dumb.
Wow… that was a tangent. And that’s what I want to use this space for tangents and random thoughts and sometimes music gear reviews or ideas.
Also Sebastian and the deep blue taped for KNKX today for a radio show called sound effect. It was really great. We haven’t had the full band together since CHBP this year. Except slow jam. He was out in Europe. The episode will air on Nov 5th. We all got to be on headphones. They had all the backline amps. It was fun.